Forum Scarleteen

It was our pleasure to help you! If you got anything else you'd like to talk about, we're here.

Good to hear that Mikky's response was helpful! As for your question, it still doesn't pose a risk for pregnancy, but as Mikky said, there might be a STI risk involved. If this was the case, would it be possible for you to get tested? I can't say there's any statistic that backs the phenomenon that sex between exes would be more tense than with between people who are romantic partners. But if you've had some conflicting thoughts about your ex and/or stress from other things, that can definitely affect your mood and focus during sex. Could you tell us more about this dynamic between you and your ex? How do you feel about him--is he a safe person to be around with?

Hey Ellie, welcome to the boards! The thing with whether you "can" use certain words to describe your sexual and romantic orientation is that no one has the final say about it but yourself. If you currently feel like the word "lesbian" is better for you right now, you can go ahead and identify as a lesbian, even if you've had crushes on boys in the past. You're not any less of a lesbian if you were attracted in boys but no longer feel that way now. The same applies if you feel like "bisexual" describes your experience better; you don't need to feel "equal" amounts of attraction to people of similar and different genders to be bisexual. There's a section in our article about sexual orientation called "How and When Do You Know?" which has some questions on orientation that you can try answering for yourself. Does this answer your question? I also hope things are going well between you and your friend.

I used to think that I was straight when I was young, because I only had crushes on boys. And I had crushes on more than 10 boys. But, last year I noticed that I was in love with my friend who is a girl. Having crush on a girl felt really different because I wanted to do everything for her and make her happy, while I just wanted boys to love me when I had crushes on boys. After that, I identified myself as bisexual. But now, I don't want to date boys, kiss them, or have sex with them. I have butterflies in my stomach when some men are around me but I never want to date them or something. I only want to date girls, kiss them, and have sex with them. So, I feel like I'm lesbian and I want to say so. Can I identify as lesbian if I only want to date, kiss, have sex with girls even though I had crushes on boys?

Hi mikky, thank you for your response and the article it has definitely relieved some of my stress. Though would the response be different if his private part was near the vaginal opening, or would that still be considered the vulva? I am indeed a bit nervous to explore more into this part of myself but I’ve been learning gradually. About us being exes, is it common for this to bring more tension during intercourse as him and i have attempted with protection, but it was as if my body was refusing to allow him to enter and caused discomfort for me, ultimately making us stop trying. Is it possible that I feel this way because I am a virgin or do you think it could be something similar to vaginismus as it’s very difficult and uncomfortable for me to even put a tampon in or anything for that matter. I do have to say though that I get nervous and in a way put a guard up uncontrollably thinking that it will hurt and I think this may be causing more tension for me overall as well. So could it simply be that I am just too tense or nervous in the moment? I’m not sure what to do about this because in my mind i feel comfortable with the situation but it seems like my body disagrees.

Yeah thank you

hey violetm, welcome to the boards! Your suspicion that stress could be further delaying your period is much more likely to be the culprit than implantation bleeding from a pregnancy. As you have an irregular period, and aren't able to track consistently, we really don't know that you were ovulating, or even that your period is necessarily late and not, say, a very light period. Here's why I am not concerned about the sexual activity you described: Slight contact with a penis and a vulva, where the partner with a penis does not ejaculate on the vulva, in the vagina, or near the vagina, is not the right conditions for a pregnancy to occur. I think you might benefit from reading how a pregnancy does happen: Human Reproduction: A Seafarer's Guide . To be clear, genital to genital contact with no barriers is not something that is free of risk- it poses a risk for STIs, and we know that ejaculation can happen somewhat unpredictably, or one activity (like, frottage) becomes another (like, penis-in-vagina sex). So while this specific situation sounds extremely low risk and you are not pregnant, if you are enjoying these activities, you can add some measures for pregnancy and STI prevention: a condom could come in handy here! It sounds like this is all feeling new and overwhelming to you. Can we check in on whether you are enjoying these activities? Are they feeling good? It sounds like this person is now an ex, are you continuing a sexual relationship while broken up?

Hi so i’ve been a bit stressed lately on this matter. I am very new to this part of life and have been experimental with my ex ranging from like handjobs, fingering, dryhumping, but no sex, but 2 Saturdays ago I was participating in these activities and we ended up humping bare. I assume that he had precum and he had made slight contact with my private part but not go in entirely or any penetration (we didn’t do this for very long probably about a minute as i got nervous). I know that the possibility of me becoming pregnant from his precum has little to no probability but I’m still stressed over the fact especially that over the past 3 ish days I have been getting spotting that I know has the same signs as implantation bleeding. I have a very irregular period where I’ve missed a month before so it’s very hard to track my period but I assume that I would have been supposed to get it recently and i have also experienced spotting before due to my irregular period. Also during the time of our hangout I’m pretty sure that I was either in my ovulation phase or near the end of it which i thought would make my matters worse. I’m just unsure what to make of this situation and if the stress could possibly just be further delaying my period?

Hey kimctv, It sounds like you do have some friends who have similar experience levels as you who you could talk to! Sometimes when you feel lonely, it can be really easy to look at one or a few people in relationships and think “ugh it’s everyone except me.” But I’m glad to hear your observation that it’s not everyone, and I’m hopeful that you’ll feel at least a bit better talking to those friends about some or more of this (if not, just spending more time with them). How does that sound to you? Do you feel like you could start reaching out to see those friends more? I’m sorry to hear about how those guys are responding to rejection, that’s just so gross of them. It’s not a genuine expression of respectful desire to become disrespectful after rejection, and it’s such a crappy way to treat people. Honestly, with people who call others names like that after being rejected… I wouldn’t want their desire anyway. It’s nicer to be desired by people who treat you and others around them with respect, like your friends! Know what I mean?

Hey chailover, The therapist you spoke to is right about stopping when you’re no longer feeling it. It’s also important to know that when you stop feeling aroused during sex, that doesn’t have to mean that the sex is “over.” You can also take a break! It’s normal for arousal and desire to ebb and flow and to respond to those changes in the moment, so when you feel like you want to stop, stop, but if/when you feel like you’re in the mood again, you can start again. How would you feel about asking for for a break with a partner, without hiding it or feeling like it’s a problem, and then get back to it when you feel the desire again? Re: sexual communication — we can totally help with this! To start, I want to send a good resource about sexual communication with examples of what you might say (one of the examples is pretty similar to what you’re saying here): Be A Blabbermouth: The Why’s, What’s, And How’s Of Talking About Sex With A Partner Be A Blabbermouth: Some Sample Sexual Conversations Do those articles help a bit? Did they give you any more follow up questions or concerns?

Personally, I think therapy is best done in person, or at least started that way. I just think it's much harder to get a sense of a therapist, and they for you, online, and a lot can get missed. I also think it's just easier to get a good vibe check in a shared physical space, you know? A sex therapist and an OBGYN are different people. OBGYNS actually often aren't particularly educated about sex, because that's only a very tiny part of their education. Obstetrics -- the business of pregnancy and birth -- is actually the biggest part of that training, and gynecology -- which is about the whole of the reproductive system -- usually comes second. But neither of those things are about sex and sexuality, which is not largely about body parts at all, and when it is, it's as much about the central nervous system and your brain as it is about your genitals. "Sexual dysfunction" is a tricky term, and one I'd generally suggest people figure is a bit of a red flag when people use it, because, to me, that can show that people may not realize or support that human sexuality and sexual function are diverse, not something where there is a"right" way for things to be working. (I also find it ableist, by that token.) For instance, I would not call someone who, for example, can't get an erection someone suffering from sexual dysfunction, because we don't need an erect penis or clitoris to be sexual people experiencing or exploring our sexuality. I also would not classify what's been going on

Is it also possible to find a obgyn with a focus in sexual dysfunction / sex therapy ?